Coping With Grief and Loss: There's No Right Way to Mourn

When someone we love dies, the world can feel unrecognisable. Food loses its taste. Days blur together. Ordinary things, like a song, a smell, an empty chair, can bring us to our knees.

If you're grieving, please know this: there is no right way to mourn, and nothing is wrong with you for hurting this much. Grief is the price and the proof of love.

What grief can feel like

Grief affects every part of us:

• Emotions: sadness, anger, guilt, relief, numbness, fear, loneliness
• Body: exhaustion, tightness in the chest, changes in sleep and appetite, getting ill more often
• Thoughts: confusion, poor concentration, replaying the last days, "what if" questions
• Behaviour: crying unexpectedly, avoiding reminders, or holding on to every reminder
• Spirit: questioning faith, meaning, or the fairness of life

You might feel several of these in one hour. You might feel fine for a day and then fall apart over something small. This isn't going backwards. It's how grief moves.

Grief comes in waves

Many people have heard of "stages of grief", but real grief rarely follows a neat order. A more helpful image is waves. At first, the waves are huge and come constantly. Over time, they usually become smaller and further apart, though a big one can still arrive on a birthday, an anniversary or a festival.

Healing doesn't mean the waves stop forever. It means you learn to stay afloat, and life slowly grows around the loss.

Different kinds of loss

Grief isn't only about death. People also grieve:

• A miscarriage or pregnancy loss
• A pet who was part of the family
• A divorce or the end of a long relationship
• A parent with dementia who is still alive but changing
• A home, country or community left behind
• Health, independence or a future you had planned

These losses are sometimes less recognised by others, which can make the grief lonelier. All of them are real.

Grief in Indian families

Indian mourning traditions, such as rituals, gatherings and prayers over thirteen days or more, can offer comfort, structure and community. But once the rituals end and relatives leave, many people feel the full weight of grief alone. There may also be pressure to "be strong" for others, especially for men or eldest children, or to move on quickly.

It's okay to keep grieving after the rituals end. It's okay to cry in front of your family. Strength isn't the absence of tears.

Ways to support yourself

Let yourself grieve

Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes. Suppressed grief often shows up later as anger, illness or numbness.

Keep basic routines

Eat something regularly, drink water, step outside, and try to keep a simple sleep routine. Grief is physically exhausting.

Talk about the person

Say their name. Share stories. Look at photos with others who loved them. Many grieving people long to talk about the person they lost, while those around them avoid the subject out of fear of causing pain.

Find ways to stay connected

Write letters to them, cook their favourite dish, continue a tradition they loved, or support a cause that mattered to them. Love doesn't end with death; it changes shape.

Be patient with "firsts"

The first birthday, festival or anniversary without them can be especially hard. Plan ahead: who will you be with, and what would feel comforting?

Supporting someone who is grieving

If someone you care about is grieving:

• Show up, even if you don't know what to say. "I'm so sorry. I'm here." is enough.
• Offer practical help: meals, errands, childcare.
• Mention their loved one by name.
• Keep checking in after the first few weeks, when others have stopped.
• Avoid phrases like "Everything happens for a reason" or "At least they lived a long life."

Guilt and "what if" thoughts

Many grieving people are haunted by guilt. If only I'd noticed sooner. If only I'd visited that week. If only I'd said I love you. These thoughts are painful, but they're very common. They often reflect how much you cared, and a mind trying to make sense of something that feels senseless.

Try to remember that you made decisions with the information and energy you had at the time. If there's something you wish you'd said, consider writing it in a letter to your loved one. Many people find this brings some peace.

Helping children grieve

Children grieve too, though it may look different. They may play happily one moment and cry the next, ask the same questions repeatedly, or show their grief through behaviour, such as clinginess, anger or trouble at school.

Use simple, honest words about what happened, avoiding phrases like "gone to sleep", which can confuse or frighten them. Let them ask questions, include them in rituals if they wish, and reassure them that they'll be cared for. Keep routines steady. If a child seems stuck in their grief for a long time, a counsellor experienced with children can help.

When grief needs more support

Sometimes grief becomes stuck. This is sometimes called prolonged grief. Signs include:

• Intense longing or pain that doesn't ease after many months
• Being unable to accept the death
• Feeling that life has no meaning without the person
• Avoiding everything that reminds you of them
• Thoughts of wanting to die to be with them

Grief counselling offers a safe, unhurried space to tell your story, express feelings that may not feel welcome elsewhere, and slowly find a way to carry the loss.

You don't have to "get over" someone you love. You learn, gently, how to carry them with you.

If grief brings thoughts of ending your life, please call Tele-MANAS on 14416 (free, 24/7) right away.