Big Feelings? DBT Skills for Emotional Regulation
Do your emotions sometimes feel like a storm you can't control? One moment you're fine, the next you're furious, devastated or panicking, and afterwards you regret what you said or did.
If so, you're not "too sensitive" or "too much". You may simply never have been taught how to handle big feelings. The good news: emotional regulation is a skill, and skills can be learned.
What emotional regulation means
Emotional regulation doesn't mean never feeling angry, sad or scared. It means being able to:
- Notice what you're feeling
- Understand what triggered it
- Calm your body enough to think clearly
- Choose how to respond, instead of reacting automatically
Some people learned these skills naturally as children, from caregivers who comforted them and named their feelings. Others grew up in homes where feelings were ignored, punished or explosive, and never got the chance.
Why some people feel emotions more intensely
Emotional intensity can come from many places: temperament, neurodivergence such as ADHD or autism, past trauma, chronic stress, lack of sleep, or hormonal changes. People with intense emotions often feel things quickly, strongly and for longer before returning to calm.
None of this is a flaw. It does mean you may need more tools than others.
DBT: a toolkit for big feelings
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) was developed by psychologist Marsha Linehan. Its skills are now used widely for anyone who struggles with intense emotions. Here are some of the most practical.
TIPP: when emotions are at their peak
When you're overwhelmed, your thinking brain goes offline. TIPP skills work through the body to calm you quickly:
- Temperature: splash cold water on your face or hold something cold. This can slow your heart rate.
- Intense exercise: a few minutes of brisk walking, jumping or climbing stairs burns off adrenaline.
- Paced breathing: breathe out longer than you breathe in, for example in for four, out for six.
- Paired muscle relaxation: tense a muscle group as you breathe in, then release it as you breathe out.
STOP: before you react
When you feel an urge to shout, send a message or walk out:
- Stop. Freeze for a moment.
- Take a step back. Breathe.
- Observe. What am I feeling? What's happening?
- Proceed mindfully. What response fits my values and goals?
Opposite action
Every emotion comes with an urge: anger urges us to attack, fear to avoid, sadness to withdraw. When acting on the urge would make things worse, DBT suggests gently doing the opposite. If shame tells you to hide, reach out to someone safe. If anger tells you to shout, speak softly and step away.
Check the facts
Ask yourself: What exactly happened? What am I assuming? Is there another way to see this? Often, our emotion fits our interpretation more than the actual facts.
Build up positive emotions
Regulation isn't only about handling bad moments. It's also about building a life with enough joy and rest to cushion them. DBT encourages planning small pleasant activities every day and working towards long-term goals that matter to you.
PLEASE: look after your body
Emotions are harder to manage when the body is struggling. Take care of physical illness, eat balanced meals, avoid mood-altering substances, sleep well and exercise regularly. It sounds basic, but it makes a big difference.
Emotions in relationships
Intense emotions often show up most in close relationships, where we feel most vulnerable. You may find yourself sending angry messages you regret, or feeling devastated by small signs of distance.
DBT also includes interpersonal skills, such as asking for what you need clearly and calmly, saying no respectfully, and keeping your self-respect during conflict. Many couples find these skills improve their relationship as much as individual wellbeing.
A daily practice
Each evening, take five minutes to note:
- The strongest emotion I felt today
- What triggered it
- What I did
- What I might try next time
Over time, you'll start spotting patterns and catching emotions earlier, when they're easier to manage.
Distress tolerance: getting through the hardest moments
Some situations can't be changed right away: a painful loss, a long wait for news, a craving, an argument you can't fix tonight. DBT's distress tolerance skills help you get through these moments without making things worse.
One simple set of skills is sometimes remembered as ACCEPTS:
- Activities: do something absorbing, like cleaning, drawing or a puzzle
- Contributing: help someone else, even in a small way
- Comparisons: remember times you've coped with difficult things before
- Emotions: watch something funny or listen to music that brings a different feeling
- Pushing away: mentally set the problem aside until you're able to deal with it
- Thoughts: count, recite, or name objects to occupy your mind
- Sensations: hold ice, take a warm shower, or smell something strong and pleasant
These aren't long-term solutions, but they can carry you safely through a crisis until you can think more clearly.
Radical acceptance
Another powerful DBT idea is radical acceptance: fully acknowledging reality as it is, even when it's painful, instead of fighting it. Acceptance doesn't mean approving or giving up. It means stopping the exhausting battle with what has already happened, so your energy can go towards what you can change.
How counselling helps
In counselling, I draw on DBT along with CBT and mindfulness to help clients understand their emotional patterns and build skills step by step. We practise in session, try skills during the week, and adjust what isn't working.
Your feelings are not the problem. They carry important information. Learning to regulate them simply means you get to decide what to do with that information.
If intense emotions ever lead to thoughts of harming yourself, please call Tele-MANAS on 14416 (free, 24/7).